*DOGGY DOOR* (How You’re Motivating Your Significant Other to Cheat and Don’t Even Know It)

4 Jan

Relationship secured? Y’all are solid…right? No one is going to take your woman/man from you. Nope, not you. Your man/woman has a good thing at home. Besides, if they leave…they’ll be right back. Can’t find another like you! Right? WROOOOONG!

EEEEdiots! Oh what silly little ingrates we are. “We worship together…no weapon formed against us shall prosper!”….. “We’ve have history”….. “They’re my ride or die!” People, people, people—No matter how good the loving is, no matter how many years have built the foundation…there will always be the DOGGY DOOR.
Oh dear! Where are my manners? How rude of me not to explain what the doggy door IS. Okay—

DOGGY DOOR (noun)—The overlooked, underestimated, invisible yet very real space left open in romantic relationships for intruders, spectators or perspective new lovers to enter. This metaphorical space is often caused by a negligent, overbearing, abusive lover or a lover that has gotten too comfortable.
MEN…WOMEN…this post is for YOU!

She’s changed her hair four times this week. 4 new scarves, eyebrows just arched, fresh paint job on the nails. She’s feeling herself. She knows what she’s working with. Swagger amped by her new appearance, her confidence is roaring. She can have any man she wants, but she’s doing it all for YOU. And you… say NOTHING. Yeah you’ve grabbed her ass a million times, put more effort in the boonkie…but you never told her how nicely she looked. Women are sensitive creatures, no… particular creatures. We’d rather you show it but sometimes we need to hear it from YOU…not just our friends. But wait–don’t even sweat it. Little Lawrence from her office has been paying attention. Little Lawrence is plotting, prepping and putting himself in position for the ultimate prowl. Each day he’s in the break room letting her know how her tangerine eye shadow makes the hazel in her eyes stand out. He’s told her that her hair pulled back makes her face look pure, open, clean..beautiful. While little Lawrence may be facing some sexual harassment issues, he’s still re-affirmed, opened up her confidence to a brand new level. He’s reminded her that her beauty is noticed by people other than you . Even worse, little Lawrence has just opened up … THE DOGGY DOOR.

The man’s shift ended at 8:00. You two only live 10 minutes away from his job. But him dapping the homies at work, a gas station stop for a beer and the slow ride while he bumps Rick Ross’ newest mix tape brings him home at 8:32. You start the NAGGGGING. He ignores it. He knows he’s done nothing wrong. He’s accustomed to your tantrums. He just wants to shower, play Madden and drink his Coors in peace. Nahhhhhh. You’re not having that. He’s gon’ listen to what you have to say. He’s gonna hear how he’s trifling, up to no good and ain’t worth shit. Don’t even sweat it. It’s all good. You’ve been clocking his attendance so well, you never thought to focus on little Tasha who’s admiring and liking all of his new workout pics on Instagram. Tasha has been adding in extra LOLs, winks and poking on Facebook. Your insecurities soar while Tasha’s confidence rises. It’s not going to be long before his faithfulness becomes more of requirement than a desire. Sometimes….men just want PEACE. He’s going to start returning the love to Tasha. He’s now able to turn to the quiet (non-nagging) internet, find a woman that is in pursuit of a man rather than a battle. And just like that….Tasha is pushing through the DOOGY DOOR.

The night is going well. You guys haven’t been out together in over 2 weeks. With much needed alone time, you guys play it simple and just hit up Outback. It’s not long after the Ribeye and Porkloin is served that a good ole’ serving of “the past” comes up. Somehow a conversation about grad school turns into reminiscing about undergrad, which flips into partying during undergrad and ultimately past lovers. Ahhh damn..here she goes. She can’t resist the urge to rag about his promiscuity. While they have closed this door a million times before, she insists on opening it ONEEE more time. To her, he needs a reminder of how much she’s been hurt. He can get pleasant face, a nice exchange of words over dinner and quality time from anywhere else. It won’t come with harbored history and it won’t ruin precious, savoring…new moments together. Just like that…YOU’VE opened up the DOGGY DOOR!

Woaaaahhh! Hold up, put down your bullet proofs and guns. I’m not at war with you. I didn’t create the Doggy Door as a scare tactic. The doggy door has been around for years. I’ve heard it referred to as many other terms. The bottom line is it exists. No matter how much of a “Good thang” something is, it’s not unbreakable….irreplaceable. Stop taking her threats as a bluff. Stop taking his silence as him not caring. Often we are sooooo busy looking down, over and at ourselves that we miss the most PRECIOUS gifts in front of us. We’re afraid to love hard because loving hard gives the opportunity to break harder. Love is a beautiful… REMARKABLE thing. Love completely. Understand your lover’s needs. Listen…..COMMUNICATE. Communication is the most valuable thing in any relationship, yet we neglect it. Learn your lover’s strengths and stop viewing only the negative. We ALL have the belief deep down that we’re irreplaceable. We constantly remind ourselves that he/she isn’t leaving or that they’ll never find another lover. The fact is, they WON’T find another like you…that’s the point. There is ALWAYS someone else willing to pick up what you’ve broken down.

As always I appreciate the read. Please comment. This post is a particular favorite but I realllllly want to hear some of your Doggy Door experiences. Peace , Love and Back rubs…..

Kendy!

email: kaydeetheladee@gmail.com
IG:TheGreyCrayon
Blog IG: PecansAndGrapevines

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What About Yo’ Friends?? (Traits in Unhealthy Friendships)

3 Jan

Listen Long, Listen Wrong. ———Can your friend check you? We are all…we SHOULD all be at the point/age where bashing someone else, spreading gossip, ENTERTAINING gossip is old… Believe me when I say I’m no angel. Far from it. I’ve had my share of broken relationships. I remember being the middle man, the transporter of news, the last drop of fuel to many fires. It got old. People ask allll the time what happened to me. Karma. Simple. Plain. It wasn’t bad karma it was good karma. My life is pretty…great. Soooo why wouldn’t I want the same for others? If I’m in a conversation where the participants are bashing someone…I try and change the subject. Don’t believe that whole, “I’m innocent…I didn’t say anything.” Yeah, but take it from a veteran —The quiet person in the room is usually doing the most listening and has the most to say once they leave the room. Can your friend shut you up? Do they like the fact that you have a lot to say about others? Can they challenge your opinions? One of the best things that ever happened with my beffie and I is when we learned, “Just because you have a problem with someone doesn’t mean I have to.” I have about a 5 minute cap for Brittanie before I jump in and say, “But I don’t have a problem with her/him.” Her tolerance for me is even shorter. It’s relaxing. You never HAVE to listen. Can your friend stop you from making DUMB decisions or is your life their entertainment? Is your constant venting a reminder to them of how pleasant their life is? Think smart people. If they’re listening long…they’re listening wrong. Simple…plain.

Glory, GLORAYYY!! —–When it’s your time to shine, is it just YOUR time to shine? Does your friend live by the famous cliché “It ain’t no fun unless we’re all getting some!” ? Can your friend see your moment of glory as just your moment of triumph or do they take the time out to ask how they can get some of the pie? Do they say congratulations and mean it? Can they see your success as a success of theirs (they should)? When they say break a leg do they really,deep down mean break…a…leg? One thing I can pat myself on the back about is that my happiness for others stems from a genuine spot. If I say I love you, I’m happy for you or let me know what I can do to help you..I mean it. I rarely see the same ladies I rolled with in high school. But the love is still there. All on the road to success and I’m happy for them. I don’t want or need to see or listen to anyone else that doesn’t share the same support. Simple…plain.


“I got your back….waaaaaayyyyyy back”
—– Those friends…the friends that have your back at ALL the wrong moments or the ones that are just absent in your moment of despair. The ones that you wish would just stay in the background because their help on the forefront is causing you to lose a more important battle—a better YOU. Is your friend the one that has your back when you’re about to fight in the club (and make a fool of yourself)? Could your friend be the one helping you enhance that nasty text to your child’s father (the text that will eventually ruin the little bit of communication you NEED for your child’s happiness)? Ooooh how about that friend that retweets, likes or LOLs at your nasty statuses, your ranting on social networks your back and forth with ol’ girl? Is she always sitting passenger side while you, yes..make an ass of yourself. Yup. That friend. That one that has your back at ever damning moment but is absent when you want a partner to go to church with. That’s the same friend that’s M.I.A when you need that one “You can do it” when you say you’re ready to go back and continue your education. She’s probably the same friend that can only scowl when you tell her you’re going to make things work with your man. People, this is an easy one. Not everyone is good for you. Never break ties with someone you love. Never. Just learn to love from a distance. Simple…plain.

DRUMMING the drama——That friend whose drama has the potential to ruin your whole year. That friend. The one that calls you 29/7 for advice but really just needs to hear herself speak. The one that doesn’t see your missed calls but expects you to be lined up front and center when she needs you. Enough said already. Direct that friend to a church. Nothing but the blood of Jesus can save them. Don’t allow someone else’s drama, dirt, filth to seep into your life. Always keep a listening ear and open arms but never allow someone’s leaning to cause your downfall. Simple plain.

With all that said, you can’t hold high expectations if you haven’t yet evaluated yourself.
Remember—–
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”

As always, thanks for reading! COMMMMEEENNNNT, comment, comment and tell me traits you notice in your past or current friends. Please, be discreet….don’t be “that friend”. Love and back rubs!

Kendy!
Instagram/Twitter : @TheGreyCrayon

The Sincerity in Your Sincerely…

28 Dec

From the time you make face to face, verbal, computer mediated communication with someone, you are righting a letter. Your first word serves as your greeting. The last word…is your sincerely. The one thing I’ve learned is that it’s not how you start off a conversation with someone but how you end it that matters most. I want you all to know that this post is the most honest and personal one for me. My hands are shaking as I prepare to let you guys into my life. My hope is not that you read this and sympathize for me. I only hope that you use this minor story of mine to help you write a proper sincerely to your loved ones.

I was 21. I lie. I was 20 when I gave birth to my son Kaydence. 21 when parenting really started kicking in. My first lover was my only lover and my last lover so I never considered myself a “statistic”. To me, I was a different “young black mumma” in America. I moved in with my high school sweetheart on July 1, 2009. 850 square feet, $550 a month…shit, sounded good to me. And all was well. At first..in the middle…so forth. From the outside looking in, Kendra was young and inexperienced but it looked like she and Keith were pulling things together pretty well. Together for 5 years at the time, high school sweethearts…couldn’t be better. 2 1/2 years later here it comes. November 12, 2011 I’m 9 months pregnant with my daughter Kollyn and Keith proposes to me. So we’re together..TWO kids and ready for marriage. We were holding everything together on the outside and our love was crumbling every second we were together. Each morning, while the breakfast was heating up, so were conversations. It was my mission to bring up the German co-worker of his that he’d shared phone convos with. Ohhh or the time he “lost” his phone at Bike Week. Oh man..and it just wasn’t right if I didn’t tell him, “You’re a dumb mother fugger if you think I can’t find uh’notha.” Man. Growing up, “I hate you” were words that were forbidded in my parent’s house. Ha. This was my spot and those words were often the opening act for many shows going down in Apt 07. Each day, I was writing my letter.

Now, hold tight people. I’m getting to the closing. Bare with me. When I love, I love too hard. Scary hard. I could say the meanest things in the world to my love but I couldn’t make it more than 15 miles down the road before I sent out my “sorry”. Some mornings it’d be me running back up the stairs begging for a quick hug “just in case I die on the road.” Woah…get this, sometimes it was a text message that started from the time I touched my car seat until the time I left my desk at work. Other times, it’d be a quick note on the fridge : You know I didn’t mean it. Sorry. Luv ya–KD

All the while, this was enough for me. This was my sincerely. My greeting was fire. The body of my letter was hell. But to me as long as I ended with a good sincerely, all was well. All was right. Right? WROOOONNNNGGG. My sincerely worked for me. Shet, I could go to work, mingle with co workers, chat it up with my bestie on my lunch and go home as if nothing happened. To me, all was well. I never thought about the ending I was leaving with the one person that meant more to me than…anything. The problem is, there was not an ounce of sincerity in my sincerely. Not an ounce. I was selfish (as many of us are). As long as I got sleep at night, as long as I felt better…AS LONG AS I SAID SORRY–all was well. I broke down all that was well and lost an amazing jewel in the mean time. With all that said, he definitely had his sincerlies too..LOL! They weren’t all so beautiful either. But people, what is your sincerely? We all have one.

Are you the the boyfriend that can’t delete the pics of his ex-girlfriend? Yeah, him. The one that knows it doesn’t matter because his new lover will forgive him with one forehead kiss and some good “lubbin”. Ohhhh are you the wife that consistently brings home a new problem every night just because your bestie and her man are going through it. Yeah, her. That insecure lady that believes “If he’s doing it…you must be doing it as well.” She believes that no matter how much she nags at night, all will be well in the morning after she cooks his favorite breakfast or buys him a new jersey.

Is your Sincerely sincere? Do you mean it. Do your final words work more in your favor or theirs? Remember these two things people:

1) Words don’t hurt…they bruise. They leave scars that no ointment or “sorry” can heal.
2) You never know when the last thing you say to someone, will be the LAST thing you say to someone. Life is not short but your lifetime with someone you love is short when you lose them.

Thank you for reading! Comment, repost, share. As always, I love the love and the love is returned. COMMENT! I’d lovvve to hear your responses and what your “SINCERELY” is.

Follow me on Twitter: @KenAndPaper and Instagram @KenAndPaper
Email me anything you’d like to discuss orany suggestions (I’m always up for new ideas) kaydeetheladee@gmail.com

Ken….and Paper (a lil’ Sum’n Sum’n about yours truly)

28 Dec

It would’ve been much easier for me to make grass salads and mud pies in the back yard with my little brother. Nah..the safari under my bed had vines that I could swing through to escape the tigers hunting below. The sounds of my big sister practicing her ball dribbling on our carport still ring in my ears. I had numerous opportunities to go outside and learn a thing or two from her. Tempting- but I had a classroom full of Care Bears in my closet that needed to learn how to multiply diamond by square. I was never athletic so missing out on sports never bothered me. It wasn’t until Lebron rose up and the Celtics started back up that I fell in love with sports. HA…out of 18 other cousins, I was ALWAYS the last to be picked for a softball game in my Grandfather’s yard. Cool. From the time I was six until I was fifteen, my imaginary friend Linda kept me company. Damn. I miss Linda. My imagination was far beyond what most wanted to deal with. My parents called me a liar. My classmates thought I was a clown and until now, I thought I was crazy. Or even a martian. Judge. For me, and thousands of others, there was always…always something missing. Enough was never enough for me. In high school, I’d watch the cheerleaders perform at pep rallies. By no means did I think I could do better. I was goofy and flimsy. My legs weren’t that hot in those skirts. But I always wanted to add something to their cheers. A better intro, exit or a skit in between. Even the morning announcements bugged me. Why did we have to hear who’s missing from In-school suspension before we heard music playing? I wouldn’t mind a little James Brown in the A.M. On the SAT, ACT I scored well…like really well. Top in the school. But in school…I sucked. I always needed to write a play, plan an event or do..SOMETHING. So shit, when I found out that a 2.0 was passing–I was content. As long as I knew I was smart, what else mattered? It wasn’t until I was allowed to host the first ever Manning High Relay for Life talent show that I found myself. It wasn’t a big gig. I’m pretty sure I’m one of five people that remembered me. But I found out that my voice, my mouth..my words were going to be what made me. My passion..my SOUL rests in the pen, the mic…my VOICE. Take that away and you take my power. So here I am. Starting small, but starting–yes, that’s something that use to be difficult for me. I know not where I’m going with this but my mission is just to reach. If I touch you or not all depends on if you’re willing to reach back. Read, comment (honestly) and share. Love you, love the love and as always the love will be returned.

Kendy! (Twitter- KenAndPaper Instagram: KenAndPaper) Email: kaydeetheladee@gmail.com

Why YOU can’t win an argument….READ!!

28 Dec

Awwwww DAMN! It’s happened again.You prepped, you planned and you practiced. But just as always when it’s time for the argument to drop, your words are stolen, twisted and used as a weapon against you in an argument that YOU started. How does this keep happening to you? What are you doing wrong? My dear, the answer to this question is simple. I see it all the time. I myself have been both the victim and the culprit. You must learn and then spread on the repellent for the styles of dominating arguing styles. These styles of dominating an argument have been used against you or in your favor for so long that you’re quite accustomed to them and don’t even realize when you’re on the losing side.These are NOT signs of an abusive relationship by any means. While they can be a sign, please don’t confuse them as such. Now, pull yourself together soldier, get ready to be learnt!

I call these techniques used by the opposing side my W.H.Y. It’s my acronym to describe how your loved one, friend, co worker, peer…whatever manipulates and strategizes ways to avoid or turn your argument around. We’ll first start with my “W”
W— “ Whatever” This is probably the most used defense mechanism in an argument. I’ve seen it used more by guys but as times change and women grow in brilliance, the usage is balanced. He’re how the situation usually looks: You’ve blurted out all of your issues, you’ve re-written that “perfect” text message 12 times. You’ve expressed how you feel and thennnnn BOOOOOOM, they hit you with the “WHATEVER” Huh, wuh?? Yup. It happens to the best of us. The “whatever” doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal. 8 times out of 10 it’s not verbal. It’s a shrug, an I don’t care, it’s an “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Even worse…it often appears as a silent stare. Fret not. Yell not. You’ve stated your piece. You came with a plan…execute it. After you’ve stated your piece, opened the floor for any rebuttal…when all is done—You leave it alone. You must remember one thing. Everyone comes to a battle with something to lose. While they may give you the “whatever” card, care does exist. You have not succeeded in this particular argument but you can not lose sleep over it. Give it one more try at a different time. Think of a different day, setting or style (text, e-mail, card) that might get through. After that, you’ve pretty much done all you can do. Ask yourself if what you were arguing about is even worth it. Who does it benefit for you to bring forth this argument? Now-on to my second argument style. Hellllo Mr. “H”…..
H— “ Hang up” My, my, my….of the three styles, this has to be the one that drives me Nucking Futs. Hanging up is a cowardly way of handling an adult situation. There is no way around it. It is disrespectful and it can only be tolerated if you let it. Never, succumb or give in to the person that hangs up. You must know that a hang up is not an automatic reaction. It is premeditated for atleast 3 seconds. Meaning, the person that hangs up on you does think about it before it is done. They chose wrong. DO NOT…DO NOT…DO NOOOOOT call someone back that has hung up on you. It is petty it is childish. You aare already losing when you redial that person. You have done NOTHING but handed over the power. With that said, there is ONLY ONE time it is okay to call back. If and only if you have said something derogatory or thrown curse words or slander. Then and only then, you are the wrong party. Disrespect is always a reason for someone to hangup. But back to then hanging up shet. A person that is worth your time will not consistently hang up on you. Once or twice..even three times, yes it happens. But someone hanging up on you is someone closing the lid on your feelings. Also, remember if a person acknowledges that they’ve made a mistake by hanging up, they will call back within a few moments and apologize ANNND listen. Remember to question if their call back is more convenient for them or benefiting for you. NOW…to the last (and my fave ) style….”Y”
Y—“You’re right” I must admit, I myself am a slave to this one. When the horns are loud, the battlefield is blowing…you must say whatever it takes to end the argument…so here comes the ever so famous… “You’re right”. Ahhhhh damn, but what about when it’s used against you? Aha! There it goes. The thing about this style of argumentative response is that it can be both a positive and a negative. It can mean that the person believes that indeed, you are right or it can mean that they’ll say whatever is necessary to make you believe you are. The one thing that you must remember is this….Your mission in an argument, confrontation or debate is NOT to be right..but to be understood. That is the key.
These are the top styles but far from the only ones. The whole point is, as an individual try to avoid these styles yourself and you’ll likely pass on to another the proper way of debate. Try to remember:
1- Your words should be a weapon. Weapons are commonly war tools but weapons also protect. Remember that. Don’t ever use your words to hurt. Weapons protect.
2- Calm. Stay calm. You lose your cool, you hand over all rights for someone else to get heated. Have faith in your stance and let your argument speak for itself.
3- Plan. Prep..execute but NEVER let an argument leave you breathless or with the feeling of defeat. While they are called arguments, they are not bad things. You are simply trying in some way shape or form to protect or preserve something that is meaningful to you.

Thanks for reading! Pleeeeasse comment, share and repost! Love is appreciated and always returned.

Love and back rubs!

Kendy!