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We’re Not Here For You (Why You Don’t and Won’t See Much of My Relationship on Facebook–and Why it’s Not a Big Deal!!)

25 Jan

By now I should have taught myself to not get upset over corny celebrity memes. Le sigh. I still do. It has to be THE most annoying thing to see poorly written, cliché quotes plastered over celebrity faces. Sorry. I can’t take a quote that’s pinned over Meek Mill grabbing Nicki Minaj’s rump seriously.

But about two weeks ago, I read one that I allowed to get under my skin. Irk my twerk, as I love to say. I can’t remember the quote verbatim…and it wasn’t worth the data space from a screenshot. But in a nutshell, the meme read, “Ladies, beware of the man that won’t claim you on social media…he’s not really your man.”

Ew. Like “UGH” in the highest note sung by Mariah.

It not only irked my twerk, but it saddened me. Somewhere between my 5-minute emotional transformation from pissed to sad, I realized that we live in a completely focked up society/generation.

It absolutely kills me that there are humans roaming the earth that believe- the number of likes or comments under photos, can validate the legitimacy of your relationship. Some actually believe that the presence of our relationship on our lover’s social media profile, confirms “real love”…whatever the hell that is. While it got under my skin a bit, it didn’t make me lose confidence in the love, I choose to keep away from Facebook as much as possible.

To the wonderful face behind the meme, to you I say “thank you”. Thanks for getting me back to my first love—mind vomiting…and thanks for being the inspiration behind this blog post.

I’d like to share with you the FIVE (5) reasons you don’t and won’t see my relationship all over my social media profiles…and why you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

  • My partner, is MINE…not your Facebook friend!!!
    • We’ve all seen it. Go out with your friends…friend posts picture…likes come under pictures………………..and your friend requests blow UP! It happens- to ladies mostly. The thirst trap is REAL. But beyond the thirst, is the nosiness. Women, we are SO guilty of this. We see a Facebook friend with a new love interest, we go scrolling, screenshotting…and SOME are bold enough to even hit the forbidden “ADD FRIEND” button. EHHHH EHHH. My husband, is mine. Not your facebook friend. You aren’t and won’t be friends with him, just because you’re friends with me. Capiche?

 

  • My Facebook…is my Facebook
    • Ya know, the longer you’re with someone (ESPECIALLY if you’re married), the more you lose your individuality. Everything becomes shared. Wedding invites, baby shower invitations, CHRISTMAS cards are addressed to you and your partner. I kid you not, I honestly considered changing my name to Kendra and Keith. I can barely drink out of the juice carton now because it’s SHARED….okay, I still drink out of the carton. Point is, my Facebook is MINE. I’ll share my heart with you, but for the most part my profile will be about me, my kids, my horrible-not-so-good day at work or stupid quotes that come to me over a bowl of Lucky Charms. So sorry, I’m not going to create a joint Instagram for us to share…or change my name to Kendra LovingMyBookie Mallett. Let me be great in being stingy with ONE thing. Gah.

 

  • Our moments are not an accurate reflection of our lives
    • Back in November I took a weeklong trip from South Carolina to the Grand Canyon. Obviously, I couldn’t pull off the 30 hour drive by myself…but you’d never know that I wasn’t alone by the pictures I decided to share with Facebook. I CHOSE not to share the best moments of the trip (with my Husband) to Facebook. Instead, I put them in our scrapbook. We hadn’t made it back to SC before my husband got a text asking, “Is everything okay with you and Kendra?”. What started out as a beautiful trip to celebrate another year of life, ended as a dagger to my husband’s confidence. People have a tendency to assume the worse, when they don’t have a view of the best. And on the other hand, when I do choose to post photos of my partner, we receive admiration. And while it is appreciated, I never want to become a relationship idol for ANYONE. We still have a lonnnng way to go and we are FAR from perfect. What makes us beautiful is our chaotic natural form. If you were to knock on our door now, you’d hear us scrambling as we rush to find clothes to put on (as my entire family enjoys being unclothed 24/7), us cussing at a good game or the kids running laps over good furniture. But that’s us, our best in our state of chaos. Our moments—facebook pictures, are not an accurate depiction of our everyday lives.

 

  • Once you give people a piece of the pie, they feel they have a seat at the table.
    • We all have or have had our shares of Triple Cs (Celebrity Couple Crushes). For me, I never really cared about Brad and Ang…but I loved my hometown high school couples. From behind my screen, I’d awe at their couple pics and cute statuses about one another, wait for them to post their weekend plans and try to mirror the best of their relationship…until they aired their dirty laundry. Aside from it being a bad choice, it was only ONE nasty status about the other, but it was enough to stick with me. No matter how much he tried to make the woman his #WomanCrushWednesday, it was too late. I’d already had my share of the nasty. There wasn’t any shout out to his Beloved that could sweeten up the status that was forever engraved in my memory. When you give people a piece of the pie, they feel they have a seat at your table…in your relationship. It’s natural that one taste of vinegar, can make you forget all the sugar you indulged. No one helped my build it, no one has a seat at our table.

 

  • Private does not always mean hidden…It could mean PROTECTED 
    • We’ve all seen the idiots on Facebook that post pictures of their 40-hour work week wages. The dough. Their bread. Their MONEY. Besides it being an OBVIOUS cry for adoration…it’s weak and false advertisement. We all know that the individuals with the greatest wealth, don’t yell it to the world. People with appreciation for the best diamonds, are not constantly shouting, “Look at my newest ice!!” My relationship, is mine. It’s not broadcasted weekly, because I treasure the intimate, private moments that made me fall in love with my guy. Private does NOT always mean hidden…it could me protected.

 

 

I want to close by saying that this post is in NO WAY a hand slap to the people who choose to share their lovey dovey moments on Facebook. In fact, my favorite set of married people (shoutout to Sherena and Jerome) are VERY vocal, witty and ADORABLE with their posts about love…but I’ve never seen her badmouth what they’ve built either. My post is simply saying, stop creating inaccurate assumptions about the things you can’t see, just because you can’t see them.

Love and big hugs as ALWAYS. Please like, comment and share! I’m open to any form of criticism or ideas for new blogs. Find me at kaydeetheladee@gmail.com or Twitter/Instagram: @TheGreyCrayon

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At the Back of the Closet (The Good Grit in Relationships the Old Heads Won’t Talk About)

29 Jun

“Fock you mean you beat me ‘cause you love me?!”

I remember the first time my mother hugged me after a spanking. Hell, let me call it what it was…she whooped me. For me, any kind of affection 5 minutes after a switch to the ass, was too soon. But the lesson of “love hurts” was effective for me. Kinda. It couldn’t have been in her plans, but with that simple show of grace, my mother also taught me that love was deceptive. You hurt, you heal and the cycle repeats itself. Imagine my confusion–Tuesday I’d be picking out my own switch and Thursday I was at the corner store with a wrinkle dollar being told to “Buy yourself a treat.” It was confusing. Something like a band aid covering the same wound it created. Problem is– 1 phase of puberty, 2 children and 1 marriage later, I realize there was a lot of shet my parents told me under a broad umbrella about love and relationships, and expected me to get it while leaving out the good grit. Come to think of it, perhaps their goal wasn’t for me to get it through my head, but for them to feel accomplished about getting it out. Yeah. Maybe that was it… The checklist of shet to teach your children before they learn it from the streets.
Got it.
It wasn’t until I was around age 12 when my pre-puberty body wandered upon the back of my parent’s closet. I cannot make this blog relatable by lying to you and saying I was in my parent’s closets looking for Christmas presents. I wasn’t. I’d overheard an argument between my folks the night before that led to the next day’s escapade. Through the crack under the door, I could hear my mom fuss at my dad for, “Leaving that filth where the kids can find it.” She went on, “If you’re going to watch that kind of stuff, at least hide it at the back of the closet.”
The end.
I won’t go into details of how my soul was lifted the day my young eyes first landed on pornographic pleasures. For months, maybe years, I would wait until the house was empty, sneak a peak and return the videos back to where they belonged. The stuff I viewed was NOTHING like the cuddly stuff my mom told me about the birds and the bugs. There goes that betrayal shet again.
It wasn’t until I was fully submerged into adulthood and my first real relationship, that I realized that love and all the interactions that come with, had its dirty side. The dark sides. The shet that makes the oil slick that nobody wants to talk about. The good grime that can only be found…

At the back of the closet.

*Throws on Superwoman cape*

But now you have me. Stick me under any light and you won’t find a hint of expert in me. I’m no relationship guru. If you asked me to play match maker, I would refer you to Eharmony or the local sex store. I’m no doctor in the studies of love and all that flows from it. I’m just an avid people watcher. Other than being kicked out of Barnes and Nobles once for my fetish, people watching has truly been of benefit to me. Because of my insane obsession with watching and analyzing (and a sprinkle of eavesdropping) I’m able to share with you lessons I’ve learned from couples that store their best practices…. at the back of the closet.

Go to Bed Mad
There, there. Don’t wave your fans at me you pew peppers. Lemme finish. Growing up, I was taught you should never go to bed mad at a loved one. Thing is, that’s a lot of pressure to put on an eleven year old kid wanting to be pissed at a sibling, but not wanting to wake up to them dead. Yeah, black mamas in the South do the most. In any relationship, you have to learn to take that anger to the bed. I’ll break it down for you young skeezers. HAVE ANGRY SEX…Ruffle the knuckles while you’re still angry. It’s likely that some sweat and regret won’t wipe away the issue at hand, but it’s also likely that you’ll be in a more “resting” state for talking it out. It also means that you probably weren’t mad in the first place. Rub some skin and let it go.

Talk about Your Spouse to Others
You know the one girl you follow on Facebook, that posts a million selfies of her square head, gapped teeth and spaced eyes? Under each pic, comments from friends and groupie followers glorify her appearance with things like, “Baddie” or “Gorgeous”. Ever wondered what your eyes are missing? Problem is, while in non-Facebook (aka real life) she may not be easy on the eyes…she’s rocking the one thing that compliments any fit. She is confident. She’s sporting the belief that she looks good. Somewhere in her morning routine, she’s taught herself to look in the mirror and see nothing less than enough. The one thing my momma preached in my house was, “There’s power in the tongue.” Simple psychology. The more you hear it, or say it, the more you believe it. Get where I’m going people?
The more you bad mouth your significant other to others, the more bad things, that would otherwise have gone unnoticed, start to flourish.
So on the contrary, the more you speak uplifting words regarding your other (to others), the more they come to fruition. In other words, brag. Now, I’m not telling you to go be the coworker who uses every lunch break to tell you about how her Romantic Reggie swept her off her feet again, but allow yourself to push positives about your significant other when the opportunity arises. “Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” —Rita Shiano

Bring up the Past
The present is treasure, the future is the shiznit but my Goodness, don’t we just give the past the ugliest wrap? One of the greatest mistakes we make in relationships or even friendships, is that we preach the whole, “leave the past in the past” concept. My issue with neglecting the past, is that we also abandon the beautiful stuff. We look at the past as a dark place and a place that can only lead to bad recollections. We overlook the fact that the past was the birthing spot of the relationship that now exists. While it may hold things better forgotten, it also harbors whatever shet holds you together. Allow yourself moments to revisit the good. If all you bear is bad memories, all your future will breed is bad moments.

Leave….
Together. I remember about a month after I got married, shet got boring. I mean, take your side of the bed and don’t let your butt touch mine boring. That don’t look at me or talk to me unless you’re dying type boring. That National Geographic ty—-okay, you smell my drift. Finally, one morning after a conversation between myself and my Froot Loops was over, it hit me. It wasn’t the marriage that got boring. It wasn’t even the romance that was withered. The scenery became whack. Coming home to the same house, the same bed and the same routine got boring. In relationships we have to learn to LEAVE (together). Once a month, have sex in the car. Get a hotel room and role play. By the way, it’s 2015 people. *Pulls out megaphone* There are enough nurses and firefighters in the bedroom!!! Swap it up– You be the pastor, I’ll be the usher type shet. Leave. Try new things together. It’s okay to eat at restaurants that don’t offer complimentary rolls. Switch it up. Have “firsts” together. Never stop meeting each other. Ever.

Have an Affair…..
With yourself. Men- it matters not if your penis is stubbier than a top drawer rolled up sock. Women, who cares if your breasts hang so low they can tie your shoes before your hands? You must learn to view yourself as the person you would want your partner to have as a side piece with. Until you view yourself as one of a kind, you’ll always settle for any kind of one. In a relationship, you must learn how to have an affair with yourself. Before you’re able to turn your significant other on, take the time to look at yourself and ask, “Do I even turn ME on?” The old adage, “When you look good, you feel good” is true. However, when you feel good, you’re more likely to help others feel good—be a bigger asset to your love life. Allow yourself time to be someone you would want to be cheated on with. If it’s filling up your tank just to drive it out over some Lauren Hill and 60’s jazz, once a week, so be it. Men, find an outdoor secret man cave… “under the tree”, where you find time to steal away and chug a beer. Find pleasurable pastimes that you don’t share with your partner.

Let Your Friends’ Problems, Be Your Friends’ Problems
Somewhere we have picked up the belief that if it’s raining in our friends’ relationships, the sun we’re experiencing in ours, must be the wrong weather. I cannot even estimate how many times I’ve found flaws in my relationships only after my friends found them in theirs. QUIT IT. The act of picking up our friends’ problems has become one of the most crippling ailments to relationships. Learn to listen with an empathetic ear and not a shoulder. Too often we carry loads for others and forget to dump them before we walk across our threshold. Before you open your mouth for an argument, ask first, “Does it sound like someone else’s burden?”

What is a blog about relationships without some words of wisdom from my favorite married lady?
Chums and Bugs, I present… Mrs. Sherena Graham-Lloyd…

“Don’t lock that door…”
“You don’t pay any bills in this house.” UGHHH, the frustration behind those words. Well now, you do pay the bills and you can lock the door if you want…BUT YOU SHOULD NOT and here is why… If I had a penny for every time I saw an older woman twist her mouth, suck her teeth then blurt out “Some things you just keep to yourself”…then I’d probably only have like 10 cents but that is not the point. Tell it, tell it all. Get naked, right there, and expose you… all of you…that’s right, if you can show your entire outside, there shouldn’t be any reason to hold back the inside. Transparency is so good for a relationship.

Forget Those Kids
Really …but not really really! “Put your kids first, your husband can fend for himself and blah, blah, blah.” Eighteen years from now, when your kids are fending for themselves and your spouse has grown accustomed to doing the same, visit, the infamous, “They” that is forever giving out advice, or lack thereof, and give them a swift kick in the place where it came from…their ass! Tell them how empty your house, your life and your relationship is because you decided that the same kids who would grow up, get lives and wives (or husbands) of their own…those same kids that you focused your entire life and relationship around…they are grown, gone and you simply don’t know how to have an effective, kid free, relationship with your love…its ok to sneak of to the laundry room while the TV is babysitting your kids and not feel guilty about it. Building a strong bond between you and your SO will make a better life for those kids than if you revolve everything in your life around them now.

So all in all, there is no real prescription for keeping a relationship healthy other than keeping your faith first, your heart open and communication flowing. And most importantly, if you’re in a partnership with someone you can’t comfortably pass gas in front of, you’re wasting your years. 

Show some love and share this blog. Follow me on IG: TheGreyCrayon. Email: kaydeetheladee@gmail.com

Hugs and backrubs…love always,

Kendy!

The 13 Most Popular Types of Cheaters

28 Apr

I won’t begin this blog with one of my usual witty intros. This was a quick blog to subcategorize the sea of cheaters that live in this world and hopefully, raise awareness. Enjoyyyyyyy!
The 13 Most Popular Types of Cheaters:

The Value Menu Cheater
This is the cheater that never goes for the full meal or the best option. This lame-oid picks from the value menu. They cheat with the bums, the skinks, etc. These cheaters are often caught with a girl/guy that is a downgrade from the current woman/man they are in a relationship with. These cheaters simply pick what they’re hungry for and what is easily obtainable at the moment (ex: oral sex, quick make out session, toot and boot). Bottom line is, they buy pick the people that fit in their worthless budget.

The Sloppy Cheater
This cheater is the one you have no choice but to just laugh at. This cheater is the one that cheats faithfully but has not invested in what I called a Promiscuity Protection Plan. This is your eediot that leaves their cell phone unlocked, never logs out of their Facebook, invites their Mister/Mistress into their home, buys their Mister/Mistress gifts that match their partners’, cheat with an individual that is close in relation to their partner….need I go on?

The Bird of a Feather Cheater
While I’d love to break this one down on the chalkboard for you all, let’s face it…this one is pretty self-explanatory. The “Bird of a Feather” cheater goes to the idiot that roams with nothing but dogs. With that being said, it’s never FAIR or SAFE to categorize an individual by the company they keep. The whole point of this category is to remove some of the surprise when and if you find out that one of the dogs in this pack has made a fool of you.

The Cyber Cheater
This is your krod (“dork” in reverse form) that has not built up the confidence to move from behind their keyboard to actually CHEAT. These are the guys that are in a relationship and flirt from the comfort of their smartphone, tablet, laptop…etc. These eediots inbox their approaches but never really follow through with their offers. Make no mistake, while these lame never PHYSICALLY cheat, they are cheaters. Remember, cheating is born in the mind and raised by the body.

The Open Cheater

I was a little hesitant to call this group of individuals “cheaters”. This group goes to the couple that made an agreement upfront that they would have an open relationship. Sexual interaction would not be limited to the primary owners of the relationship but would actually have an open door policy. Surprisingly, I own nothing but respect for this group. They set their guidelines for a relationship, they adhered to those rules and most importantly…they are HONEST with their partner. The catch with this group is often there are written rules, but not a mutual understanding. If open relationships are something of interest to you, please make sure you understand all the ramifications that an open relationship comes with.

The Soulless Cheater
This group of scum bags are your blatant, no shame, Y.O.L.O cheaters. These cheaters do it, admit that they do it and acknowledge that they have no desire to change. The onllllllly good thing about these cheaters is that they typically show you who they are BEFORE you get into a relationship with them. These could be the cheater that you stole from someone else. As the old adage goes, “If they cheat WITH you, they are capable of cheating ON you.”

The Mental Cheater
These poor creatures are by far the most humiliating. These are the cheaters who absolutely have lost every piece of interest in their partner, possess not one brave bone in their body, and cheat in their heads. These are your skeezers that daydream about someone else 24/7, imagine someone else while they are rolling in the sheets with their partner and fantasize about another lover ever second they get—even while with their current partner. What makes this cheater so horrible, is the fact that they leave behind NO trace of infidelity. They typically show their current lover all the love they deserve….because they are imagining that they are giving that love to another person. With this cheater, it is very hard to detect any dishonesty, or lack of interest because typically they paint a perfect picture for you and the public.

The Reciprocated Cheater
Simple. This cheater is the one that simply does it because it was done to him/her. A long time ago, I could understand this cheater. We would like to believe that Karma was on this cheater’s side. The thing is though, this cheater is just as much of a trifling coward as the one that cheated on them. My rule: If you’re going to take them back, let it go. If you can’t let it go, don’t take them back. Simp shet.
The Blood Line Cheater I’m pretty sure somewhere in the world there’s a nerd that failed Med School who’s trying to prove his theory that cheating is inherited. There are actually people that believe that cheating is inevitable because they come from a line of unfaithful individuals.

The Closet Cheater
Another self-explanatory one. These cheaters are the one that have landed themselves in a relationship with someone that does not fulfill their desires in the gender/sex department. These cheaters, in my opinion or also cowards. They not only live a lie in their romantic life but tend to put on a plastic face for the public as well. They cheat on their significant other with a member of the same sex and justify it by saying, “I was confused”. To each his own, and to every dog his bone…

The Boss Cheater
This cheater is the one who lays off his/her current lover (without informing them) and finds someone else that can fulfill their needs. The major quality that separates this cheater from the endless other categories, is that when caught, this cheater simply says (in so many words), “You weren’t doing your job.” This cheater is also very dangerous because this one possesses the power, has the potential to walk away with all their confidence and leave you with none of yours.

The Had To Clear My Chest Cheater
These are the scums that cheat, feel bad about it and only confess…..because they feel bad about it. Be aware of these cheaters. These are the emotional wrecks that cry so hard and mourn so long over your dead relationship, that they almost leave you feeling sorry for them. These are also the cheaters that are most likely to be forgiven. They have mastered the art of manipulation and have also won an opportunity to commit the same crime over again.

The Suicidal Cheater
By far this is the most dangerous cheater. This category is owned by the ones who confess (or get caught) and threaten their lives or self-endangerment if you decide to leave them. These are the ooser-lays that swear up and down that they can’t live without you in their life. These are the cheaters that swear they have no air when you’re around (probably because they panted it all out during their disgusted sex). While I would love to make jokes about this whimpy behavior, it is actually a serious one. In so many ways this is the cheater that holds the most power. Without even trying, they move the blame, guilt and responsibility of their sin to you. Afterall, if you leave them, you are the cause of any harmful action they place upon themselves, right? WRONG!

The Corner Cut Cheater
This is one of the more innocent cheaters (if there’s such a thing). The Corner Cut cheater is the guy/girl that never actually has sexual interaction with another person (never stepped out of the box), but does everyyyything else that could lead to cheating (hence, the corners). These are the cheaters that let the outside person know how miserable they are with you, let the outside person know how interested they are in you, gives the other person EVERY reason to look at you like a damn fool. While we would like to give the Corner Cut cheater a little bit of credit for not physically cheating, these cheaters stink because they are the ones that are miserable and too much of a coward to actually leave.

So, I’m sure I missed a large population of cheaters. That’s where you guys come in. Share, repost, comment and let me know what type of cheater you’ve encountered…or are. I appreciate alllll feedback and the love that flows with it.
Follow me on IG: @TheGreyCrayon or @PecansAndGrapevines
Email all blog requests to pecansandgrapevines@gmail.com

Period Pointers !!!

21 Jan

I had my period for a year before I told my mom. It took two years before I told my friends. For a whole year, I was a scavenger for feminine products that my mom would leave behind for my big sis. Screwwwww those times when I would look under the bathroom counter and my sister’s tampon savings account was empty. Needless to say, even now the only red dot specials I frolic for are the ones found on the 4-legged racks at Macy’s.

I never understood my giddy junior high peers that jumped for joy when their “Red Dot Debut” came along. It was hard for me to comprehend the elated nature the eeediots possessed for what to me, seemed like a curse. Ohhhhhh and let me not forget to mention the annoying mothers that celebrated their daughters’ “Coming of Age”.  How the hell do you take a bi-polar, cramping, BLEEDING kid to dinner and expect her leap for lily pads??? Ha! I can see the greeting card now:

 

                Congrats Our Little Debbie Cake,

                You are now a little Lady.

                Your boobs will swell, and pimples will grow…you’re gearing up for a baby.

                For five long days you will bend with pain and your mood will take a switch.

                Nothing but double up panty days and you acting like a B— Witch.

                Nothing but raging hormones now to make your days feel dull!

                Happy Period Day to our growing baby, you finally got your Menstrual!

 

                                                Sincerely,

                                                Parents that you’re free to start lying to.

 

Blah.

My mom was just as weirded out about the situation as me. No greeting card. No hug. Pure awkwardness. Awkwardness that for the first time, I was glad she reciprocated. Thanks Marcella.

Even to this day, I do my best to conceal when it is that time of the month. I stand before you proud to say that I, Kendra Mallett, in all my years (25 years) have never had an “accident” * Insert Grammy applause here*. I spend pointless money in Dollar General buying extra items to cover up one box of tampons on the cashier’s conveyor belt. The poor 63-year old worker at my favorite Dollar General now knows how to read my, “Fock off, scan the tampons, skip the ‘Howdy Do’’ face. The only joy I get during that time of the month is swinging my tampons or pads in the store pass a guy who was 33 seconds away from a bold, overused, “You got a man?” …

Maxi Pads: Cock Blocking Since Mary Kicked it with Joseph.

It was not until recently that I realized, I am tired of hiding. I now have a very curious year old little girl who has already discovered my tampon stash. She came running to me asking me to open the “candy”. There was no reason for me to blush. She definitely did not deserve to be fussed at. I cannot explain why I was embarrassed. That was when it hit me that I should not be.

Every female at some point in her life has “a need for the bleed”. One day, I want to give my daughter what I missed out on with my mother. I want her to comprehend that what is going on with her body is completely normal and necessary as a woman. It is to my beautiful baby girl Kollyn (KAH-LIN) that I dedicate this blog to.

I compiled a list of five tips, which I call “Period Pointers”. These pointers were created to help struggling girls and women embrace the same thing that helps define us as God’s most complex and creative pieces.

Here blows:

Period Pointer 1: Say It!

You know your period is coming well before anyone else does. Damn, I hope so. Point is, women should not have to avoid social gatherings, date night or any event just because of the red dot special. I have learned that the only thing that makes our cycle awkward is our inability to just…SAY IT. Practice saying it, plain out to your best friend, your sister… your lover. It helps. It may always be a little awkward with the member of the opposite sex but it aids in education. It yields the “yuck” and stops the stupidity that men…boys often bring when they hear the “Pounding P”. Learn how to say, “I’m on my period” and not feel awkward doing so.

Period Pointer 2: Silence the Alarm.

Nothing screams “I’m Bleeding!!” more than a female who leaves the room for a 6 minute break but  carries her B.A.B (Big Ass Bag) with her. The other thing that irks my twerk is the woman next to me in the stall trying to unwrap her maxi pad quietly to avoid being obvious. Sadly, the low ripping of the paper is more annoying than one big yank.  Ziploc sandwich bag are quiet, affordable andddddd reusable! Every morning while I am dealing with Monster Menstrual, I pack 3 Ziploc bags. Each Ziploc contains: 1 already UNWRAPPED tampon, 1 UNWRAPPED pad and 3 baby/Feminine wipes. When and if I have to leave the room, I can stuff that same Ziploc bag in a cute clutch or my jacket pocket. In a restroom full of women, these bags are quiet and make for easy, sanitary disposal.

Calendars may seem a little cliché but they get the job done. Set an alarm and mark your calendar for at least THREE days before your scheduled menstrual monster. This gives you plenty of prep time. When that alarm goes off or you see the cute blooming flower on your calendar, buy your supply of Excedrin (my personal fave), feminine products and be prepared to dance in the rain.

 

Period Pointer 3: The Salvation in Hydration

Water…Water…Water! Besides the fact that you should guzzle down water every day, water is a necessary essential while on your cycle. Most woman tend to breakout and cramp more while menstruating. Studies have shown that active water intake during and before help decrease the likelihood of both. Also, studies have shown that women that take in a lot of water are less likely to give off an odor during that time- which leads us to….

Period Pointer 4: Smelt it you dealt it….

 Ehhhh. I know, the ugly elephant in the room. I promised that I would address all the “icks”. Unfortunately the myth that women stink during their cycle is true. Well, partially. SOME women, release an odor during that time. For most women, the odor can be avoided. Proper preparation prevents putrid panties! Back to point 3, WATER HELPS! Secondly, washing makes a world of a difference. Yup! Simple as that! For many women, doubling up on their daily washing schedule makes the difference. Lastly, baby powder! Baby powder worn outside of the underwear can also help decrease any odor. Bottom, bottom line is, have ONE friend you trust and make a pact that you two will let each other know if the other is carrying an added odor.

Period Pointer 5: Rememba Dees Rememdies!

  • Heating Pads absolutely work for cramps but if you do the math, they can become expensive. Try taking a bag of rice, microwaving it for 3-4 minutes and placing it on a damp cloth over the area you are experiencing cramps.
  • Herbal teas are also known to help. I myself am not a heavy tea drinker but I do know that tea during any hectic time has the potential to ease out tension. Try it.
  • Exercise…need I say more?
  • Watch your diet. Avoid greasy foods and caffeine. Come on ladies, this is pretty elementary.

The previous pointers are in no way, shape or form advice approved by a medical professional. I would loveeeee to hear your Period Pointers! Please comment below! As always, I appreciate the love. Repost, retweet, share and comment. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram : @thegreycrayon  and my blog’s instagram: @PecansAndGrapevines . 

Why You Haven’t Advanced From “Just Friends” —For Men!

19 Feb

*This post comes from a request from a male follower. I hope it answers your question!*
Top 8 Reasons the Lady Still Considers You Just a Friend

1. She likes what you all are

Men, understand that we (women) are cautious creatures. We are constantly looking for a safe haven. She has not advanced you pass friend mode because it is safe. If you two are friends , she knows she cannot be disappointed if or when you find attraction in another woman. If you two are friends she can hide her disappointment when you break simple promises. If you two are friends, she will not have to wait on love or pursue loyalty. It’s just safer and she likes what you two are. Acknowledge her boundaries. Let her know you are not trying to break them. It sucks to say this but, your waiting can prove to be wasteful or worth it.

2. You never said it

I know, I know, why do you always have to SAY IT? Why do women always want you to SAY IT? Men, be aware that women can be literal laggers. Your roses on Friday, “Good morning Beautiful” text messages every morning and your ability to change your entire schedule just to make time for her miggggghhhht just be enough for you. To you , your efforts might be screaming, “I’m READDDY!”. I applaud your acts of affection men. I really do. I’m a firm believer in actions over adjectives. Don’t describe your love to me, show me. Yeah….cool. But you better believe that after your constant acts of sentiment, she will still be texting her bestie…”I don’t get it. He still hasn’t SAID it.” Although you may feel like you have already done enough, try speaking another language. Or hell, just speak period. TELL HER! Let her know in basic terms what she means to you and what you want from her.

3. She’s scared

It is okay. This is the most touchy one for me because in a situation like this, both parties have the potential to lose out on a good thing. This is the common case of new guy picks up the old man’s baggage. Sorry. I am apologizing for all women that are scorned and cannot seem to progress pass pain. The thing about this one is, If you understand her hurt and angst, you will be willing to wait. Time heals and if your time proves as powerful as your persistence, you will be rewarded. Many are not strong enough to wait out another man’s sentence.

4. Finances

We live in a society where women are classified gold diggers if they set any kind of financial prerequisites for their male pursuits. With the fear of being labeled a gold digger or shallow,women don’t know what to do. It becomes easier for her to leave you alone. To her it makes more sense for her to wait on your finances to become stable. She needs to know that your pockets are strong enough to carry yourself before she even dreams of your finances being strong enough for the two of you. Do not take it personal. Admire that you have your eyes on a woman with standards and dreams. Learn her financial motive and then let it motivate you. It could be that she is really trying to help you…become a better you.

6. She’s not the one

Often men read more into a woman’s hesitance than there is. If your will has finally abandoned you and your pride has surrendered, maybe…justtttt maybe she’s not the one. Unfortunately the whole, ”Bad guys are no good and good boys are no fun” thing is a more realistic tune than Mary J can ever pull off. Many men lose out to the bad guy only for the woman to return later. You may be putting in 90% and she may be putting in 10% . She enjoys your company, you’re attractive and might even be a good lay, but in the end she’s just not the one. DEAL.

7. You are just a friend

Plain, simple. You’re still on the friends list because (DEEEEEP, long, dramatic sigh) YOU’RE just a friend. I honestly have no other way of putting it. You are just a friend. She may not see you as more than that. She may NEVER see you as more than that. Do not push what does not want to budge. You may end up losing someone that was meant to be…just a friend.

8. Your act doesn’t fit with her play

You say you are ready but your actions speak differently. FACT: There is not a woman that has a male friend that she has not CONSIDERED at least once. Even when you’re just a friend a woman is sizing you up…yes, probably in that way as well. But a woman will always view a male in her circle as a “potential” even if the possibility of a connection is as low as .000089% .You may be on the friend’s list because she has already mapped out what her ideal guy is and you don’t fit the part. You two are so close that while she knows all of your strengths, she may also know your weaknesses as well. She may have witnessed you play the player role to often. She might be tired of the weak, punk part. Whatever it is, you just did not get the part. Again, deal. Keep her as a friend and keep the train chugging!

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Before She Leaves…….

30 Jan

The only reason your lady has not left you is she doesn’t want to. BLAM! I said it. Many will believe the contrary. The fact is, unless there are physical threats, monetary promises or a business contract involved…the only reason your woman is still with you, is because she wants to be. There might only be a grain of love or will that exists but she is only there because she WANTS to be. But understand this one thing—When a woman finally leaves, her uprooting is rarely an instant reaction to your bull shet. 99.99999% of the time it’s premeditated, some may even say predestined. She’ll throw warning signs that might go unnoticed or pushed under the table. If it is in your interest to save the one you love, you may want to know the signs of her agony….BEFORE she leaves.

Before she leaves, her routine will have changed. Her cold morning Carmex or Chapstick is no longer a necessity for her. She will deal with the burning lips later if it means she’ll get more attention wearing her MAC lip gloss. She may have a negative view of men now because of all the lying and hurt she’s put up with from one man (YOU). Her old swag may have turned into a shy slump because she has forgotten her worth or simply believes it was diminished or damaged along with all the other pride and patience she put into making her love with you work. On the flip side, she may leave with a new found confidence. Her poise is now more punctual and persuading than you have ever seen…or failed to see.

Before she leaves, she will already be numb to your excuses. Your excuses have become her expectations. She will no longer be bothered when you tell her you forgot you made plans with the boys and you need to reschedule movie night. She will shrug it off when your phone rings at 3 a.m in the morning and you don’t answer. Although she’s expressed a million times how she dislikes your relationship with your “home girl”, you prolong an unnecessary friendship. She no longer cries with jealousy but laughs instead. Your excuses have become her entertainment.

Before she leaves, she’ll find wrong in EVERYTHING you do. Your morning breath that once reminded her of the love you made the night before, now disgusts her. Your late night showers use to turn her on but now annoy her ears and interrupt her sleep. Your shouting at the football game on television once made her smile because although you were loud, you were home. Now it is just a reminder that you are loud and you are home.

Before she leaves, she will have found someone new. Maybe not a physical person, maybe just a new person in herself. Your applause is no longer needed to let her know she’s funny. She won’t need your head nod as approval that her body is looking “right”. Your empty promises have proven worthless now because she now believes..she now KNOWS that one day she will once again be the happiest woman in the world and SOMEONE will love her the way you have neglected to.

Before she leaves, she will have ONE last cry. It will take all of her strength to hold herself together but she knows she needs to let the tears flow. They may not be tears of pain. She may be cruising down four blocks headed to Food Lion and blazing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” and before she knows it, the tears start flowing. Not tears of sorrow but tears of happiness because she knows freedom is right around the corner. She will let the tears hit her lap as she hides them from your child sitting in the back seat. Her last cry may be a loud, agonizing one as she waits on your phone call at 4:38 in the morning. She sits up wondering if you have linked up with a new chick at the club. That jealous then turns into worry and prayers that you’ve made it somewhere safely. Her last cry may be an uplifting one accompanied by an epiphany. She’ll stand in front of the mirror pouring tears when she finally realizes that her goofiness, clumsiness, inablilty to focus on one topic at a time, ugly handwriting, big eyes, big lip, small boobs are capable of catching eyes other than yours.

Before she leaves, she will already have mapped out her next move. Or maybe she knows that the beauty of it all is not knowing her next move but knowing that she is capable of moving. She will speak about her future plans and you will notice that very few of them include you or “us”.

Before she leaves, she will have made a fool of herself ONE LAST TIME. She would have already asked you a million times to delete the frequent back and forth between you and your ex on your Twitter. She may have spent all week shopping for you on Valentine’s Day. She would have spent a great deal of her savings just to see you in a new pair of shoes, with new speakers for your car..a private dinner for two. She wasted money and love just to have her heart crushed when she sees that same ex has already beat her to the punch. She will finally stop listening to what you said were just “rumors” and start using her head instead of a misleading heart. She will get so angry one night that the verbals stop spewing and the fists start swinging. She will find herself with no more fight. She has made a fool of herself for the last time.

The most important thing before she leaves is this—
it is not too late. It is never too late to restore what once was. Though society wants to prove differently, listen to this. The ONLY weak man is the one that can not find enough courage or push to fight for the one thing that gives him strength. The only weak man is the one that won’t hold his woman through her tears or her struggle to get away. The weak man is the one that looks for comfort elsewhere and fails to realize that the answer…the anecdote sits in set of eyes he won’t take the time to read. It is never too late to save the one you love, as long as you save her…before she leaves.

Loveeeeee to hear some comments. PLEASE repost and share. I appreciate all criticism. Please send any private questions to my e-mail kaydeetheladee@gmail. Follow on Twitter/Instagram @TheGreyCrayon blog’s insta: pecansandgrapevines.

“Sexpectations”

17 Jan

Whelp. Don’t cry now. You knew it was coming. What do you expect? You slept with someone without first setting your “sexpectations”. Suck it up soldier.
Oh dear. Here I go again. Seems I’ve forgotten to provide you all with a VERY important definition.

Sexpectations (noun)—a non-physical, but oh so real list of requirements made by one or both sexual partners PRIOR to intercourse. These requirements can be a short or extensive list. In the end they are the key to a fulfilling sexlife and the preventative measure that stops embarrassing, self damning moments for the loser lover after a bad sex session.

Okay, one more thing before I start. I am in NO way, shape or form endorsing pre-marital sex or promiscuity by the male or female. However, one thing that is clear to me is this: If you’re gonna do it, you’d might as well find enjoyment in it. So here goes…….

Sexpectations

It sickens me to hear people speak about lazy lovers, lubby-dubby let downs….BAD SEX. What makes it worse is women or men that go back to these bad lovers and expect better results when there are no pre-requisites set. So here. Allow me to provide some assistance. I’ll first supply some general sexpectations and then give you a verrrry BRIEF preview of some of mine. Lay back and enjoy ( pun intended).

OOOch -ee-wally-wally…OUCH—EE—BANG BANG??
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!! How many times have you heard a guy scream out during sex, “Ouch”, “Stop”, “Waitttt!”…. I’ll wait for your answers, this is not a timed test.
Time up! Ladies. Why in the HELL do you settle for painful sex?? Yadda yah…I know the whole pleasure is pain thing. I get that. That’s cool if that’s what crisps your chips. But sex should nevvvvvver cause DISCOMFORT. There is a difference between pleasurable pain and downright discomforting sex. Know the difference. Then know that you have the right to let your partner know when it’s just not kicking it. Now men, this is where I’m on your side. I don’t blame you if you don’t get it. We (women) are weird creatures. Sometimes our “ouch”, “wait” can come off as inspiration for you to pep up the Peter. It’s not. Know your partner’s body. Learn their facial expressions and then understand that when it’s not pleasurable for her, it shouldn’t be for you either.

No ride, no slide??

Believe me when I say I’m not a superficial person. If my guy doesn’t have a car, I don’t have a car. If I have a car, WE have a car. But that’s for MY guy. That’s not just some random lover. If my lover didn’t have a car, cool. That’s where the sexpectations come in. If your lover does not have a solid mode of transportation, it’s not the end of the world. However, know that your access to the “goods” will be limited. You may become the one spending all the gas money. You may be expected to provide an overnight place to say because “I don’t have a ride back home”. You may be expected to “come and get it”. To avoid some of these problems, set your sexpectations and keep them. If you say you’re not traveling for the tootie, don’t find exceptions. Set arrangements that are fair for both you and your lover. In the end, enjoy the ride!

Laying down with boys…can’t make any noise!
Men before you get upset, this one is NOT against you. I just needed an intro that rhymed. This is for anyone that is dealing with or anticipating sexual relations with someone that is still living with their mother/father. Know…understand that you are setting yourself up to receive your “boonkie” in the room down the hall between Mumma and Daddy. If you want breakfast in the morning after some good loving, it’s not going to happen unless it’s made by Mama dearest. After high school, it’s not cool. It’s disrespectful and just plain lame to get down in the house with mom and dad. Find a thrill elsewhere. Set your sexpectations. If your guy/girl isn’t out on their own yet…COOL. Not a problem. Let them know what your requirements are. If they aren’t accustomed to paying bills, know that you might be set up for cheap hotels…motels or the back of the car. If this is cool with you…cool. If not, set your requirements and keep them. Make sure they are fair for BOTH lovers.

NO wrapper, no tapper….
Plain simple. I’ve been blessed with 24 years of an STD- free life. However , I am probably THE walking birth control ad for unmarried women under 30 everywhere. This is a simple one people. It’s A lesson I had to learn myself. No glove, no love. No wrapping….no tapping. Come up with whatever jingle you need to. STDs are real. Children are forever.

Picture This!
You sent him twelve picture messages. One of your new abs, one of you in your club outfit and the one for him to dream about at night. Whelp…why the hell are you upset that he would rather stay in and “kick it” on your first date rather than go see a movie or out for dinner? You already handed over ½ of the sex with all the pictures you’ve been sending. All he was missing was the feeling. Your pictures have created sexpectations for him. No doubt, that is definitely what he/she will expect after a while. Be smart ladies, men, boys and girls. Unless your partner can walk on water…think long before you send out those risqué pictures. Facebook , Twitter, Myspace(<—Throwback) are real and they’d love to have your exposed pics all over their walls. Be smart. If you’re expecting the sex to come after the fun, wait for those pictures.

Big size for the prize?
I will not use this word everrrrr again on my blog, I promise. But to my ladies that are expecting a 9, 10, 11 or 12 inch pecker. Shut the Fuc–. Okay, so I couldn’t do it. But still. Those eeeeediots still exist. There are ladies still wanting the extra swing on the “wang”. Looking for a mandingo? Keep waiting. If that’s your sexpectation, PLEASE let that guy know up front so he can stop wasting his time and move on to a women with more realistic standards. Nuff said.

Don’t ever make sexpectations that are too hard for you to keep or can leave you with a dry sex life. It’s simple: Make a list (physical or mental). Keep it handy and review it often. The more you acknowledge these sexpectations , the more likely it is that they will be met. Now, I’ll give you a sneak peak of justtt a few of mine:

1) Any sweat, dirt or SMELL that comes prior to intercourse is a NO NO. Sorry. It’s cool to see lovers on T.V get down in the desert or after a long run in the park. But truth is, Urinary Tract (Bladder) Infections come from simple things like an unclean penis or vagina. Sorry.
2) Past lovers are not a threat to me. If I ask, it’s only because I want to know. Tell me…pure motivation.
3) You’re not mine…. we’re not rolling in the sheets. I definitely don’t shun casual sex. Do you. I’m a mom and beyond that mile marker in my life. I just feel like it’s easier for me to break up with a person that I’m not satisfied with sexually rather than erase a (worthless) sex count that didn’t yield anything positive in my life.

Those were just a few of mine. I’ve gone on for a while —my apologies. I’d loveeeeeeeeee loveeeeeeeee loveeeeeeee to hear your sexpectations. What standards do you have before lying down with someone? Please, please, please share yours here or Tweet them with the hashtag #sexpectations #pecansandgrapevines or @KenAndPaper

Thanks for reading! Hugs and back rubs! Love always……Kenny!
Instagram/Twitter : @TheGreyCrayon