17 Jan

Whelp. Don’t cry now. You knew it was coming. What do you expect? You slept with someone without first setting your “sexpectations”. Suck it up soldier.
Oh dear. Here I go again. Seems I’ve forgotten to provide you all with a VERY important definition.

Sexpectations (noun)—a non-physical, but oh so real list of requirements made by one or both sexual partners PRIOR to intercourse. These requirements can be a short or extensive list. In the end they are the key to a fulfilling sexlife and the preventative measure that stops embarrassing, self damning moments for the loser lover after a bad sex session.

Okay, one more thing before I start. I am in NO way, shape or form endorsing pre-marital sex or promiscuity by the male or female. However, one thing that is clear to me is this: If you’re gonna do it, you’d might as well find enjoyment in it. So here goes…….


It sickens me to hear people speak about lazy lovers, lubby-dubby let downs….BAD SEX. What makes it worse is women or men that go back to these bad lovers and expect better results when there are no pre-requisites set. So here. Allow me to provide some assistance. I’ll first supply some general sexpectations and then give you a verrrry BRIEF preview of some of mine. Lay back and enjoy ( pun intended).

OOOch -ee-wally-wally…OUCH—EE—BANG BANG??
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!! How many times have you heard a guy scream out during sex, “Ouch”, “Stop”, “Waitttt!”…. I’ll wait for your answers, this is not a timed test.
Time up! Ladies. Why in the HELL do you settle for painful sex?? Yadda yah…I know the whole pleasure is pain thing. I get that. That’s cool if that’s what crisps your chips. But sex should nevvvvvver cause DISCOMFORT. There is a difference between pleasurable pain and downright discomforting sex. Know the difference. Then know that you have the right to let your partner know when it’s just not kicking it. Now men, this is where I’m on your side. I don’t blame you if you don’t get it. We (women) are weird creatures. Sometimes our “ouch”, “wait” can come off as inspiration for you to pep up the Peter. It’s not. Know your partner’s body. Learn their facial expressions and then understand that when it’s not pleasurable for her, it shouldn’t be for you either.

No ride, no slide??

Believe me when I say I’m not a superficial person. If my guy doesn’t have a car, I don’t have a car. If I have a car, WE have a car. But that’s for MY guy. That’s not just some random lover. If my lover didn’t have a car, cool. That’s where the sexpectations come in. If your lover does not have a solid mode of transportation, it’s not the end of the world. However, know that your access to the “goods” will be limited. You may become the one spending all the gas money. You may be expected to provide an overnight place to say because “I don’t have a ride back home”. You may be expected to “come and get it”. To avoid some of these problems, set your sexpectations and keep them. If you say you’re not traveling for the tootie, don’t find exceptions. Set arrangements that are fair for both you and your lover. In the end, enjoy the ride!

Laying down with boys…can’t make any noise!
Men before you get upset, this one is NOT against you. I just needed an intro that rhymed. This is for anyone that is dealing with or anticipating sexual relations with someone that is still living with their mother/father. Know…understand that you are setting yourself up to receive your “boonkie” in the room down the hall between Mumma and Daddy. If you want breakfast in the morning after some good loving, it’s not going to happen unless it’s made by Mama dearest. After high school, it’s not cool. It’s disrespectful and just plain lame to get down in the house with mom and dad. Find a thrill elsewhere. Set your sexpectations. If your guy/girl isn’t out on their own yet…COOL. Not a problem. Let them know what your requirements are. If they aren’t accustomed to paying bills, know that you might be set up for cheap hotels…motels or the back of the car. If this is cool with you…cool. If not, set your requirements and keep them. Make sure they are fair for BOTH lovers.

NO wrapper, no tapper….
Plain simple. I’ve been blessed with 24 years of an STD- free life. However , I am probably THE walking birth control ad for unmarried women under 30 everywhere. This is a simple one people. It’s A lesson I had to learn myself. No glove, no love. No wrapping….no tapping. Come up with whatever jingle you need to. STDs are real. Children are forever.

Picture This!
You sent him twelve picture messages. One of your new abs, one of you in your club outfit and the one for him to dream about at night. Whelp…why the hell are you upset that he would rather stay in and “kick it” on your first date rather than go see a movie or out for dinner? You already handed over ½ of the sex with all the pictures you’ve been sending. All he was missing was the feeling. Your pictures have created sexpectations for him. No doubt, that is definitely what he/she will expect after a while. Be smart ladies, men, boys and girls. Unless your partner can walk on water…think long before you send out those risqué pictures. Facebook , Twitter, Myspace(<—Throwback) are real and they’d love to have your exposed pics all over their walls. Be smart. If you’re expecting the sex to come after the fun, wait for those pictures.

Big size for the prize?
I will not use this word everrrrr again on my blog, I promise. But to my ladies that are expecting a 9, 10, 11 or 12 inch pecker. Shut the Fuc–. Okay, so I couldn’t do it. But still. Those eeeeediots still exist. There are ladies still wanting the extra swing on the “wang”. Looking for a mandingo? Keep waiting. If that’s your sexpectation, PLEASE let that guy know up front so he can stop wasting his time and move on to a women with more realistic standards. Nuff said.

Don’t ever make sexpectations that are too hard for you to keep or can leave you with a dry sex life. It’s simple: Make a list (physical or mental). Keep it handy and review it often. The more you acknowledge these sexpectations , the more likely it is that they will be met. Now, I’ll give you a sneak peak of justtt a few of mine:

1) Any sweat, dirt or SMELL that comes prior to intercourse is a NO NO. Sorry. It’s cool to see lovers on T.V get down in the desert or after a long run in the park. But truth is, Urinary Tract (Bladder) Infections come from simple things like an unclean penis or vagina. Sorry.
2) Past lovers are not a threat to me. If I ask, it’s only because I want to know. Tell me…pure motivation.
3) You’re not mine…. we’re not rolling in the sheets. I definitely don’t shun casual sex. Do you. I’m a mom and beyond that mile marker in my life. I just feel like it’s easier for me to break up with a person that I’m not satisfied with sexually rather than erase a (worthless) sex count that didn’t yield anything positive in my life.

Those were just a few of mine. I’ve gone on for a while —my apologies. I’d loveeeeeeeeee loveeeeeeeee loveeeeeeee to hear your sexpectations. What standards do you have before lying down with someone? Please, please, please share yours here or Tweet them with the hashtag #sexpectations #pecansandgrapevines or @KenAndPaper

Thanks for reading! Hugs and back rubs! Love always……Kenny!
Instagram/Twitter : @TheGreyCrayon


2 Responses to ““Sexpectations””

  1. toya January 17, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

    My sexpectation is a simple yet extremely important one. When I let you know this aint really hittin’ on nothing….dont waste energy and valuable time arguing about who is doin “it” wrong! Just assume the next position and finish riding that pony! I mean…im just saying…

    • Melanie January 18, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

      OMG! Why did “No ride, no slide” totally remind me of the “Charger boiiizz”??? LOL! This is awesome!

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