Archive | January, 2013

Before She Leaves…….

30 Jan

The only reason your lady has not left you is she doesn’t want to. BLAM! I said it. Many will believe the contrary. The fact is, unless there are physical threats, monetary promises or a business contract involved…the only reason your woman is still with you, is because she wants to be. There might only be a grain of love or will that exists but she is only there because she WANTS to be. But understand this one thing—When a woman finally leaves, her uprooting is rarely an instant reaction to your bull shet. 99.99999% of the time it’s premeditated, some may even say predestined. She’ll throw warning signs that might go unnoticed or pushed under the table. If it is in your interest to save the one you love, you may want to know the signs of her agony….BEFORE she leaves.

Before she leaves, her routine will have changed. Her cold morning Carmex or Chapstick is no longer a necessity for her. She will deal with the burning lips later if it means she’ll get more attention wearing her MAC lip gloss. She may have a negative view of men now because of all the lying and hurt she’s put up with from one man (YOU). Her old swag may have turned into a shy slump because she has forgotten her worth or simply believes it was diminished or damaged along with all the other pride and patience she put into making her love with you work. On the flip side, she may leave with a new found confidence. Her poise is now more punctual and persuading than you have ever seen…or failed to see.

Before she leaves, she will already be numb to your excuses. Your excuses have become her expectations. She will no longer be bothered when you tell her you forgot you made plans with the boys and you need to reschedule movie night. She will shrug it off when your phone rings at 3 a.m in the morning and you don’t answer. Although she’s expressed a million times how she dislikes your relationship with your “home girl”, you prolong an unnecessary friendship. She no longer cries with jealousy but laughs instead. Your excuses have become her entertainment.

Before she leaves, she’ll find wrong in EVERYTHING you do. Your morning breath that once reminded her of the love you made the night before, now disgusts her. Your late night showers use to turn her on but now annoy her ears and interrupt her sleep. Your shouting at the football game on television once made her smile because although you were loud, you were home. Now it is just a reminder that you are loud and you are home.

Before she leaves, she will have found someone new. Maybe not a physical person, maybe just a new person in herself. Your applause is no longer needed to let her know she’s funny. She won’t need your head nod as approval that her body is looking “right”. Your empty promises have proven worthless now because she now believes..she now KNOWS that one day she will once again be the happiest woman in the world and SOMEONE will love her the way you have neglected to.

Before she leaves, she will have ONE last cry. It will take all of her strength to hold herself together but she knows she needs to let the tears flow. They may not be tears of pain. She may be cruising down four blocks headed to Food Lion and blazing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” and before she knows it, the tears start flowing. Not tears of sorrow but tears of happiness because she knows freedom is right around the corner. She will let the tears hit her lap as she hides them from your child sitting in the back seat. Her last cry may be a loud, agonizing one as she waits on your phone call at 4:38 in the morning. She sits up wondering if you have linked up with a new chick at the club. That jealous then turns into worry and prayers that you’ve made it somewhere safely. Her last cry may be an uplifting one accompanied by an epiphany. She’ll stand in front of the mirror pouring tears when she finally realizes that her goofiness, clumsiness, inablilty to focus on one topic at a time, ugly handwriting, big eyes, big lip, small boobs are capable of catching eyes other than yours.

Before she leaves, she will already have mapped out her next move. Or maybe she knows that the beauty of it all is not knowing her next move but knowing that she is capable of moving. She will speak about her future plans and you will notice that very few of them include you or “us”.

Before she leaves, she will have made a fool of herself ONE LAST TIME. She would have already asked you a million times to delete the frequent back and forth between you and your ex on your Twitter. She may have spent all week shopping for you on Valentine’s Day. She would have spent a great deal of her savings just to see you in a new pair of shoes, with new speakers for your car..a private dinner for two. She wasted money and love just to have her heart crushed when she sees that same ex has already beat her to the punch. She will finally stop listening to what you said were just “rumors” and start using her head instead of a misleading heart. She will get so angry one night that the verbals stop spewing and the fists start swinging. She will find herself with no more fight. She has made a fool of herself for the last time.

The most important thing before she leaves is this—
it is not too late. It is never too late to restore what once was. Though society wants to prove differently, listen to this. The ONLY weak man is the one that can not find enough courage or push to fight for the one thing that gives him strength. The only weak man is the one that won’t hold his woman through her tears or her struggle to get away. The weak man is the one that looks for comfort elsewhere and fails to realize that the answer…the anecdote sits in set of eyes he won’t take the time to read. It is never too late to save the one you love, as long as you save her…before she leaves.

Loveeeeee to hear some comments. PLEASE repost and share. I appreciate all criticism. Please send any private questions to my e-mail kaydeetheladee@gmail. Follow on Twitter/Instagram @TheGreyCrayon blog’s insta: pecansandgrapevines.

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“Sexpectations”

17 Jan

Whelp. Don’t cry now. You knew it was coming. What do you expect? You slept with someone without first setting your “sexpectations”. Suck it up soldier.
Oh dear. Here I go again. Seems I’ve forgotten to provide you all with a VERY important definition.

Sexpectations (noun)—a non-physical, but oh so real list of requirements made by one or both sexual partners PRIOR to intercourse. These requirements can be a short or extensive list. In the end they are the key to a fulfilling sexlife and the preventative measure that stops embarrassing, self damning moments for the loser lover after a bad sex session.

Okay, one more thing before I start. I am in NO way, shape or form endorsing pre-marital sex or promiscuity by the male or female. However, one thing that is clear to me is this: If you’re gonna do it, you’d might as well find enjoyment in it. So here goes…….

Sexpectations

It sickens me to hear people speak about lazy lovers, lubby-dubby let downs….BAD SEX. What makes it worse is women or men that go back to these bad lovers and expect better results when there are no pre-requisites set. So here. Allow me to provide some assistance. I’ll first supply some general sexpectations and then give you a verrrry BRIEF preview of some of mine. Lay back and enjoy ( pun intended).

OOOch -ee-wally-wally…OUCH—EE—BANG BANG??
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!! How many times have you heard a guy scream out during sex, “Ouch”, “Stop”, “Waitttt!”…. I’ll wait for your answers, this is not a timed test.
Time up! Ladies. Why in the HELL do you settle for painful sex?? Yadda yah…I know the whole pleasure is pain thing. I get that. That’s cool if that’s what crisps your chips. But sex should nevvvvvver cause DISCOMFORT. There is a difference between pleasurable pain and downright discomforting sex. Know the difference. Then know that you have the right to let your partner know when it’s just not kicking it. Now men, this is where I’m on your side. I don’t blame you if you don’t get it. We (women) are weird creatures. Sometimes our “ouch”, “wait” can come off as inspiration for you to pep up the Peter. It’s not. Know your partner’s body. Learn their facial expressions and then understand that when it’s not pleasurable for her, it shouldn’t be for you either.

No ride, no slide??

Believe me when I say I’m not a superficial person. If my guy doesn’t have a car, I don’t have a car. If I have a car, WE have a car. But that’s for MY guy. That’s not just some random lover. If my lover didn’t have a car, cool. That’s where the sexpectations come in. If your lover does not have a solid mode of transportation, it’s not the end of the world. However, know that your access to the “goods” will be limited. You may become the one spending all the gas money. You may be expected to provide an overnight place to say because “I don’t have a ride back home”. You may be expected to “come and get it”. To avoid some of these problems, set your sexpectations and keep them. If you say you’re not traveling for the tootie, don’t find exceptions. Set arrangements that are fair for both you and your lover. In the end, enjoy the ride!

Laying down with boys…can’t make any noise!
Men before you get upset, this one is NOT against you. I just needed an intro that rhymed. This is for anyone that is dealing with or anticipating sexual relations with someone that is still living with their mother/father. Know…understand that you are setting yourself up to receive your “boonkie” in the room down the hall between Mumma and Daddy. If you want breakfast in the morning after some good loving, it’s not going to happen unless it’s made by Mama dearest. After high school, it’s not cool. It’s disrespectful and just plain lame to get down in the house with mom and dad. Find a thrill elsewhere. Set your sexpectations. If your guy/girl isn’t out on their own yet…COOL. Not a problem. Let them know what your requirements are. If they aren’t accustomed to paying bills, know that you might be set up for cheap hotels…motels or the back of the car. If this is cool with you…cool. If not, set your requirements and keep them. Make sure they are fair for BOTH lovers.

NO wrapper, no tapper….
Plain simple. I’ve been blessed with 24 years of an STD- free life. However , I am probably THE walking birth control ad for unmarried women under 30 everywhere. This is a simple one people. It’s A lesson I had to learn myself. No glove, no love. No wrapping….no tapping. Come up with whatever jingle you need to. STDs are real. Children are forever.

Picture This!
You sent him twelve picture messages. One of your new abs, one of you in your club outfit and the one for him to dream about at night. Whelp…why the hell are you upset that he would rather stay in and “kick it” on your first date rather than go see a movie or out for dinner? You already handed over ½ of the sex with all the pictures you’ve been sending. All he was missing was the feeling. Your pictures have created sexpectations for him. No doubt, that is definitely what he/she will expect after a while. Be smart ladies, men, boys and girls. Unless your partner can walk on water…think long before you send out those risqué pictures. Facebook , Twitter, Myspace(<—Throwback) are real and they’d love to have your exposed pics all over their walls. Be smart. If you’re expecting the sex to come after the fun, wait for those pictures.

Big size for the prize?
I will not use this word everrrrr again on my blog, I promise. But to my ladies that are expecting a 9, 10, 11 or 12 inch pecker. Shut the Fuc–. Okay, so I couldn’t do it. But still. Those eeeeediots still exist. There are ladies still wanting the extra swing on the “wang”. Looking for a mandingo? Keep waiting. If that’s your sexpectation, PLEASE let that guy know up front so he can stop wasting his time and move on to a women with more realistic standards. Nuff said.

Don’t ever make sexpectations that are too hard for you to keep or can leave you with a dry sex life. It’s simple: Make a list (physical or mental). Keep it handy and review it often. The more you acknowledge these sexpectations , the more likely it is that they will be met. Now, I’ll give you a sneak peak of justtt a few of mine:

1) Any sweat, dirt or SMELL that comes prior to intercourse is a NO NO. Sorry. It’s cool to see lovers on T.V get down in the desert or after a long run in the park. But truth is, Urinary Tract (Bladder) Infections come from simple things like an unclean penis or vagina. Sorry.
2) Past lovers are not a threat to me. If I ask, it’s only because I want to know. Tell me…pure motivation.
3) You’re not mine…. we’re not rolling in the sheets. I definitely don’t shun casual sex. Do you. I’m a mom and beyond that mile marker in my life. I just feel like it’s easier for me to break up with a person that I’m not satisfied with sexually rather than erase a (worthless) sex count that didn’t yield anything positive in my life.

Those were just a few of mine. I’ve gone on for a while —my apologies. I’d loveeeeeeeeee loveeeeeeeee loveeeeeeee to hear your sexpectations. What standards do you have before lying down with someone? Please, please, please share yours here or Tweet them with the hashtag #sexpectations #pecansandgrapevines or @KenAndPaper

Thanks for reading! Hugs and back rubs! Love always……Kenny!
Instagram/Twitter : @TheGreyCrayon

*DOGGY DOOR* (How You’re Motivating Your Significant Other to Cheat and Don’t Even Know It)

4 Jan

Relationship secured? Y’all are solid…right? No one is going to take your woman/man from you. Nope, not you. Your man/woman has a good thing at home. Besides, if they leave…they’ll be right back. Can’t find another like you! Right? WROOOOONG!

EEEEdiots! Oh what silly little ingrates we are. “We worship together…no weapon formed against us shall prosper!”….. “We’ve have history”….. “They’re my ride or die!” People, people, people—No matter how good the loving is, no matter how many years have built the foundation…there will always be the DOGGY DOOR.
Oh dear! Where are my manners? How rude of me not to explain what the doggy door IS. Okay—

DOGGY DOOR (noun)—The overlooked, underestimated, invisible yet very real space left open in romantic relationships for intruders, spectators or perspective new lovers to enter. This metaphorical space is often caused by a negligent, overbearing, abusive lover or a lover that has gotten too comfortable.
MEN…WOMEN…this post is for YOU!

She’s changed her hair four times this week. 4 new scarves, eyebrows just arched, fresh paint job on the nails. She’s feeling herself. She knows what she’s working with. Swagger amped by her new appearance, her confidence is roaring. She can have any man she wants, but she’s doing it all for YOU. And you… say NOTHING. Yeah you’ve grabbed her ass a million times, put more effort in the boonkie…but you never told her how nicely she looked. Women are sensitive creatures, no… particular creatures. We’d rather you show it but sometimes we need to hear it from YOU…not just our friends. But wait–don’t even sweat it. Little Lawrence from her office has been paying attention. Little Lawrence is plotting, prepping and putting himself in position for the ultimate prowl. Each day he’s in the break room letting her know how her tangerine eye shadow makes the hazel in her eyes stand out. He’s told her that her hair pulled back makes her face look pure, open, clean..beautiful. While little Lawrence may be facing some sexual harassment issues, he’s still re-affirmed, opened up her confidence to a brand new level. He’s reminded her that her beauty is noticed by people other than you . Even worse, little Lawrence has just opened up … THE DOGGY DOOR.

The man’s shift ended at 8:00. You two only live 10 minutes away from his job. But him dapping the homies at work, a gas station stop for a beer and the slow ride while he bumps Rick Ross’ newest mix tape brings him home at 8:32. You start the NAGGGGING. He ignores it. He knows he’s done nothing wrong. He’s accustomed to your tantrums. He just wants to shower, play Madden and drink his Coors in peace. Nahhhhhh. You’re not having that. He’s gon’ listen to what you have to say. He’s gonna hear how he’s trifling, up to no good and ain’t worth shit. Don’t even sweat it. It’s all good. You’ve been clocking his attendance so well, you never thought to focus on little Tasha who’s admiring and liking all of his new workout pics on Instagram. Tasha has been adding in extra LOLs, winks and poking on Facebook. Your insecurities soar while Tasha’s confidence rises. It’s not going to be long before his faithfulness becomes more of requirement than a desire. Sometimes….men just want PEACE. He’s going to start returning the love to Tasha. He’s now able to turn to the quiet (non-nagging) internet, find a woman that is in pursuit of a man rather than a battle. And just like that….Tasha is pushing through the DOOGY DOOR.

The night is going well. You guys haven’t been out together in over 2 weeks. With much needed alone time, you guys play it simple and just hit up Outback. It’s not long after the Ribeye and Porkloin is served that a good ole’ serving of “the past” comes up. Somehow a conversation about grad school turns into reminiscing about undergrad, which flips into partying during undergrad and ultimately past lovers. Ahhh damn..here she goes. She can’t resist the urge to rag about his promiscuity. While they have closed this door a million times before, she insists on opening it ONEEE more time. To her, he needs a reminder of how much she’s been hurt. He can get pleasant face, a nice exchange of words over dinner and quality time from anywhere else. It won’t come with harbored history and it won’t ruin precious, savoring…new moments together. Just like that…YOU’VE opened up the DOGGY DOOR!

Woaaaahhh! Hold up, put down your bullet proofs and guns. I’m not at war with you. I didn’t create the Doggy Door as a scare tactic. The doggy door has been around for years. I’ve heard it referred to as many other terms. The bottom line is it exists. No matter how much of a “Good thang” something is, it’s not unbreakable….irreplaceable. Stop taking her threats as a bluff. Stop taking his silence as him not caring. Often we are sooooo busy looking down, over and at ourselves that we miss the most PRECIOUS gifts in front of us. We’re afraid to love hard because loving hard gives the opportunity to break harder. Love is a beautiful… REMARKABLE thing. Love completely. Understand your lover’s needs. Listen…..COMMUNICATE. Communication is the most valuable thing in any relationship, yet we neglect it. Learn your lover’s strengths and stop viewing only the negative. We ALL have the belief deep down that we’re irreplaceable. We constantly remind ourselves that he/she isn’t leaving or that they’ll never find another lover. The fact is, they WON’T find another like you…that’s the point. There is ALWAYS someone else willing to pick up what you’ve broken down.

As always I appreciate the read. Please comment. This post is a particular favorite but I realllllly want to hear some of your Doggy Door experiences. Peace , Love and Back rubs…..

Kendy!

email: kaydeetheladee@gmail.com
IG:TheGreyCrayon
Blog IG: PecansAndGrapevines

What About Yo’ Friends?? (Traits in Unhealthy Friendships)

3 Jan

Listen Long, Listen Wrong. ———Can your friend check you? We are all…we SHOULD all be at the point/age where bashing someone else, spreading gossip, ENTERTAINING gossip is old… Believe me when I say I’m no angel. Far from it. I’ve had my share of broken relationships. I remember being the middle man, the transporter of news, the last drop of fuel to many fires. It got old. People ask allll the time what happened to me. Karma. Simple. Plain. It wasn’t bad karma it was good karma. My life is pretty…great. Soooo why wouldn’t I want the same for others? If I’m in a conversation where the participants are bashing someone…I try and change the subject. Don’t believe that whole, “I’m innocent…I didn’t say anything.” Yeah, but take it from a veteran —The quiet person in the room is usually doing the most listening and has the most to say once they leave the room. Can your friend shut you up? Do they like the fact that you have a lot to say about others? Can they challenge your opinions? One of the best things that ever happened with my beffie and I is when we learned, “Just because you have a problem with someone doesn’t mean I have to.” I have about a 5 minute cap for Brittanie before I jump in and say, “But I don’t have a problem with her/him.” Her tolerance for me is even shorter. It’s relaxing. You never HAVE to listen. Can your friend stop you from making DUMB decisions or is your life their entertainment? Is your constant venting a reminder to them of how pleasant their life is? Think smart people. If they’re listening long…they’re listening wrong. Simple…plain.

Glory, GLORAYYY!! —–When it’s your time to shine, is it just YOUR time to shine? Does your friend live by the famous cliché “It ain’t no fun unless we’re all getting some!” ? Can your friend see your moment of glory as just your moment of triumph or do they take the time out to ask how they can get some of the pie? Do they say congratulations and mean it? Can they see your success as a success of theirs (they should)? When they say break a leg do they really,deep down mean break…a…leg? One thing I can pat myself on the back about is that my happiness for others stems from a genuine spot. If I say I love you, I’m happy for you or let me know what I can do to help you..I mean it. I rarely see the same ladies I rolled with in high school. But the love is still there. All on the road to success and I’m happy for them. I don’t want or need to see or listen to anyone else that doesn’t share the same support. Simple…plain.


“I got your back….waaaaaayyyyyy back”
—– Those friends…the friends that have your back at ALL the wrong moments or the ones that are just absent in your moment of despair. The ones that you wish would just stay in the background because their help on the forefront is causing you to lose a more important battle—a better YOU. Is your friend the one that has your back when you’re about to fight in the club (and make a fool of yourself)? Could your friend be the one helping you enhance that nasty text to your child’s father (the text that will eventually ruin the little bit of communication you NEED for your child’s happiness)? Ooooh how about that friend that retweets, likes or LOLs at your nasty statuses, your ranting on social networks your back and forth with ol’ girl? Is she always sitting passenger side while you, yes..make an ass of yourself. Yup. That friend. That one that has your back at ever damning moment but is absent when you want a partner to go to church with. That’s the same friend that’s M.I.A when you need that one “You can do it” when you say you’re ready to go back and continue your education. She’s probably the same friend that can only scowl when you tell her you’re going to make things work with your man. People, this is an easy one. Not everyone is good for you. Never break ties with someone you love. Never. Just learn to love from a distance. Simple…plain.

DRUMMING the drama——That friend whose drama has the potential to ruin your whole year. That friend. The one that calls you 29/7 for advice but really just needs to hear herself speak. The one that doesn’t see your missed calls but expects you to be lined up front and center when she needs you. Enough said already. Direct that friend to a church. Nothing but the blood of Jesus can save them. Don’t allow someone else’s drama, dirt, filth to seep into your life. Always keep a listening ear and open arms but never allow someone’s leaning to cause your downfall. Simple plain.

With all that said, you can’t hold high expectations if you haven’t yet evaluated yourself.
Remember—–
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”

As always, thanks for reading! COMMMMEEENNNNT, comment, comment and tell me traits you notice in your past or current friends. Please, be discreet….don’t be “that friend”. Love and back rubs!

Kendy!
Instagram/Twitter : @TheGreyCrayon